A Trauma Tuesday Potty Story
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We were shamed, punished, and guilted into compliance, often starting as early as potty training. Control was normalized. Fear was framed as discipline. Obedience was mistaken for connection.
I remember spanking my little sister while I was “helping” potty train her, because that’s what had been modeled for me. I didn’t know another way.
In my early bonus mom years, control was still my goal. I thought success meant compliance.
And then I learned better.
“When you know better, you do better.”
I’ve forgiven myself and the generations before me, but I refuse to stay quiet about what healing parenting can look like.
Because when I parent alongside friends and adoptive family now, I see how easy it is to unconsciously repeat what we were taught, the good and the bad. Not because we’re bad people, but because patterns run deep when no one ever showed us another way.
Therapy changed me. Access to better resources changed me. Watching regulated, respectful families changed me. Community changed me.
And maybe someone reading this hasn’t realized yet that a change is even possible.
So here’s what potty learning looks like in our house now.
• We prioritize nervous system safety over speed.
• We do not call body learning an accident. Bodies learning how to function is biology, not failure. We meet it with curiosity, questions, and discovery.
• When pee hits the floor, we don’t shame or panic. We pause, get curious, and ask, “What happened in your body? What do we try next?”
• We reject shame language around bodies. There are no “accidents” here, only nervous systems learning cause and effect in real time.
• We don’t shame bodies for doing body things.
• We protect adult regulation so we can co regulate our kids.
• We use tools that reduce stress instead of creating it.
• We celebrate progress, not perfection.
• We let go of power struggles and choose connection instead.
I’m intentionally moving away from charts and candy as motivators. At two, teaching extrinsic motivation can quietly slide into control, and that’s something I’m actively unlearning. That said, humans are wired differently. Some nervous systems genuinely benefit from external structure and reinforcement. I try to stay humble enough to never say never, because the moment I do, life usually laughs and teaches me otherwise.
If a chart were needed, this is the style I would use. It’s reusable and more environmentally friendly than disposable sticker charts, which matters to me:
👉 “I Can Do It!” Potty Chart Toilet Training System
And then there is the lived reality part.
Potty learning is not glamorous. It is bodily fluids, tiny humans learning cause and effect, and grown adults discovering sensory limits they didn’t know existed. If you can tolerate bare bottom time, it’s one of the most recommended ways to build body awareness. Full disclosure, body fluids give me the ick, so I personally opted out. Boundaries matter too. 😂
Long before we ever officially trained, we used the toddler potty simply to practice sitting. As soon as they can stand and sit, they are usually following you to the bathroom anyway. Give them a seat. Fully clothed. No pressure. Just familiarity. Later, when it is time to actually use it, the environment already feels safe and known instead of intimidating.
If you’re curious, this is the toddler potty we used for early sitting practice and comfort building:
👉 Ingenuity Ready Set Go Potty Training Toilet
What really hooked my son was seeing potty learning modeled in his shows and books. Ms Rachel. Daniel Tiger. Silly Miss Lilly. Elmo. Random potty books on YouTube. It honestly feels a little like gentle brainwashing. But the helpful kind. 😜🤭
We started with offering potty tries about every thirty minutes. Not rigid. Not militant. Just rhythm. We also aimed for a potty try about ten to twenty minutes after meals, because bodies naturally like to move things along then. Science and snacks are friends. 💩
Sometimes it helps to have a gentle reminder built into the day so it doesn’t all live in your head. These tools cue rhythm without pressure:
👉 Potty Watch for Kids Potty Training (Blue)
👉 Child Management Timer — Audio & Visual Alarm for Kids
If your kiddo has holding control but has not figured out how to actually release yet, here is a weirdly magical trick. Have them blow through a straw, party noise makers 🥳 or a kazoo while sitting on the potty. It helps relax the muscles and makes letting go easier. I learned that one from Silly Miss Lilly and it surprisingly works.
If you want to lean all the way into it:
🎵 A Kazoo for when you’ve gotta go poo. 😂
👉 LovesTown Kazoos Musical Instruments, 6 PCS Metal Kazoos
If you want the exact party noise makers we use, here they are:
👉 24 Pcs Party Blowers — Glitter Party Noise Makers
And honestly, sturdy straw cups pull double duty here too. Great for hydration, which means more practice opportunities, and perfect for practicing blowing control while sitting:
👉 The First Years Take & Toss Toddler Straw Cups (20 Count)
Giving choices increases autonomy, which creates more cohesive energy in the moment. Letting them choose what to blow often shifts the vibe from pressure to play.
And then came the poop breakthrough. We got our first poop in the potty because we introduced a poop book. Desperate times call for poop literature. 🤪
If you’re in your own poop standoff season, this is the book that finally tipped the scales for us:
📘 We Poop on the Potty! – Funny Potty Training Book for Toddlers
Some other things that actually helped.
• We avoid the word accident. No shame. No big reactions. Just, “Oh, it happens. When we have to go potty, stop and go right away.”
• Easy off clothes save everyone’s sanity. Bare bottom is even better if your nervous system can tolerate it.
• More fluids equals more practice opportunities. Yes, you will be tired of refilling cups. It is temporary.
• Celebrate trying and sitting, not just successful output. Courage counts.
• Do not camp on the potty. A couple minutes is plenty. Try again later.
• Night training usually comes much later and that is completely normal.
• I also started celebrating when I went. Full Broadway production. Standing ovation. Truly unhinged behavior. My son thought it was hilarious and suddenly wanted in on the party. 😂
Multi purpose win we didn’t expect, foaming hand soap in fun colors became our “puffy soap” reward for trying. Not a bribe, just playful sensory joy that kept the moment light and positive. 🤭
And on the inevitable messy days when bodies misjudge timing, it doubles beautifully for bath time resets too.
👉 Dove Kids Care Foaming Body Wash, Variety Pack (3 Pack)
Play keeps the nervous system open, which keeps learning possible.
Healing lives in the body, and sometimes the body needs a few good supports along the way.
A helpful tool in our house has been oversized washable underpads for floor play (magic carpet or messy picnic, because why not), under the toddler potty, couch protection, and general nervous system peace:
👉 MPROVIA® Washable Underpads (Pack of 2)
They’re waterproof, washable, and ridiculously versatile. Multi-purpose parenting win and better for the environment too. FSA approved too 😉
For those days when full undies still feels like a big step but you want something confidence building:
👉 Pampers Training Pants – Easy Ups Boys & Girls (Bluey), Size 2T–3T, 140 Count
Or
👉 2 Packs Waterproof Diaper Pants Potty Training Cloth Diaper Pants (Night Time)
I’m especially loving these for car rides.
And if you need a travel solution for public bathrooms, this fold and go potty seat has been super handy:
👉 Frida Baby Fold and Go Portable Potty Seat
At home, some kids really take to a toilet seat that feels less intimidating and more familiar. These quick flip seats with built in potty inserts are great for that transitional moment:
👉 Quick Flip Toilet Seat with Built in Potty & Splash Guard (Elongated)
👉 Quick Flip Toilet Seat with Built in Potty & Splash Guard (Round)
For those truly on the move moments when a full potty is not practical, this portable potty urinal is a genius emergency option:
👉 ONEDONE Portable Baby Child Potty Urinal (Boy)
And if you want a portable option for girls too, this travel pee cup is another smart tool for unpredictable moments:
👉 ONEDONE Travel Urinal Portable Potty Pee Cup for Kids (Girls)
It is slower sometimes.
It is gentler always.
And it is healing in ways I did not know parenting could be.
One thing this season has really reminded me is that this is one of their very first true learning experiences. The way we guide them here becomes the blueprint for their inner voice later, how they handle mistakes, frustration, effort, and confidence. The more fun, positive, and encouraging we can make it now, the stronger that foundation will be for everything they learn next.
You are going to do great.
Mom to mom,
I was not ready for the emotional side effects. It felt like the last hoorah of babyhood. He was ready, but sometimes I was not. 💗
Finding Forty 
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